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20 things Jesus never said

April 4, 2012
  1. Do you see that water over there? I’m about to turn it into grape juice.
  2. Upon this rock I will build my megachurch.
  3. Call me. I can help your team win.
  4.  I’m not concerned about the very poor.
  5. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America.
  6. Two words: Culture war!
  7. I’m worried about who will wind up as the next emperor of Rome. I think I’ll start a political action committee.
  8. No shirt, no shoes, no service.
  9. The greatest among you shall be the ones who have accumulated the most stuff by the time you die.
  10. Sabbath, Shmabbath! Forget about it!
  11. You’ll never see or hear from me again.
  12. Whenever you eat these soda crackers and drink these tiny glasses of grape juice, you proclaim my death until I come again.
  13. Did you bring your Bible tonight?
  14. Do this in remembrance of me on the first Sunday of every month.
  15. Sing the first, second and last verses.
  16. Those who are the most religious among you have got it made in the shade.
  17. The praise team’s new album is available in the gift shop.
  18. Gay is not OK.
  19. Follow me, and I will bring you fame and fortune.
  20. Happy Easter!
24 Comments leave one →
  1. April 4, 2012 2:30 pm

    Reblogged this on fromendtobeginning and commented:
    Love this!

  2. April 4, 2012 4:17 pm

    There is absolutely nothing in the Bible about Easter. It means spring or ‘to lengthen” like the days in spring. I don’t think very many people even know that. Easter is a big “fundraiser” in the churches. That is not what Easter is about.

    • BrianH permalink
      April 5, 2012 12:43 pm

      In Australia, a huge number of Christians go away for the long weekend, so that doesn’t help the finances of their own church. Some churches in holiday areas get more people, but they’re visitors, so most of us don’t ask visitors to give. So if someone’s making money over easter, I’m pretty sure it ain’t the church.

    • April 6, 2012 7:25 am

      @ Dianne: The Bible doesn’t mention Easter, but speaks about the resurrection, particularly the resurrection of Jesus, which is what is celebrated. The term “Easter” comes from the name of a pre-Christian Anglo-Saxon/German goddess, Eostre, associated with spring and fertility. “Lent” comes from “lencten” which refers to lengthening days. The Anglo-Saxons who overran Roman Britain celebrated festivals to Eostre in the spring. As they gradually adopted Christianity, they began celebrate Jesus’ resurrection instead, but the old festival name stuck, and some old symbols carried over also, such as rabbits and eggs. In Latin countries the name is some form of “pascha” which derives from the Hebrew “pesach,” passover.
      I recently retired from almost 40 years of ministry. The congregations I served never raised a lot funds on Easter. Often a special offering was taken, and giving on Easter Sunday reflected the increased attendance, but the effects were nominal at best. The real support always came from committed givers who gave week in and week out year round, because it is an integral part of who they are and what they believe. One exception I do know is a new church, only seven or eight years old. They have celebrated Easter in a public venue, like a park, or theater. They give the offering entirely for mission to the poor and publicize it for weeks in advance. Last year half went for a crisis nursery in their city, and half went to dig wells for villages in Africa that lack safe drinking water. People have been very generous.

  3. Justin H permalink
    April 4, 2012 4:19 pm

    I must reblog this, if it’s okay? It’s so good, haha!

    I didn’t take this exact approach, and to be fair it was a bit more pointed in nature, but I kind of had some of this same stuff in mind when I wrote a recent piece called, Twelve Things That Must Change in Youth and Young Adult Ministry (–it could easily be adapted to a more…humor-driven approach ;]

    Thanks again for posting!

  4. anonymous permalink
    April 4, 2012 6:59 pm

    20 more things that Jesus never said:

    1. Do you see that water over there? I’m about to turn it into wine. (He didn’t brag about it.)

    2. I would never be able to use a Megachurch… that’s beyond my ability.

    3. There are parts of your life that I don’t care about.

    4. I’m not concerned about the very rich.

    5. Ignore the pledge of allegiance to the flag of the United States of America.

    6. Accept every culture equally, even those that contradict my Father’s character.

    7. Don’t try to make your voice heard where it’s appropriate, like at Mars Hill.

    8. It’s okay if your brother stumbles, as long as whatever you did seems inconsequential to you.

    9. I created everything so I wouldn’t share it with you.

    10. I’m not the Lord of the Sabbath.

    11. Act like you’ll never see or hear from me again.

    12. Whenever you drink from a common cup and dissolve a circle, you proclaim my death until I come again.

    13. You’ll always be able to look something up in a Bible, no need to actually commit my Word to memory.

    14. Do this in remembrance of me on every Sunday of every month.

    15. Sing, because it’s part of the liturgy.

    16. Those with most blog traffic have got it made in the shade.

    17. The organist’s new album is available in the narthex.

    18. Gay is OK.

    19. Follow me, and I will keep you from harm.

    20. Happy resurrection!

    • Johnny Appleseed permalink
      April 4, 2012 9:24 pm

      I don’t think Jesus said any snarky pointed come-backs either.

      • Tosh permalink
        April 5, 2012 2:05 pm

        Really never? How about “Yeah go ahead and cast stones if you haven’t sinned”

    • Craig permalink
      April 5, 2012 12:28 pm

      not bad on the 1st 20…2nd 20 made the whole post bling! living in the tension baby…

    • Nathan permalink
      April 5, 2012 6:00 pm

      To Anonymous,

      I want to comment on point # 6. Accept every culture equally, even those that contradict my Father’s character.

      Please note that every culture has practices and beliefs that reflect the Father’s character and every culture has practices and beliefs that contradict His character. It is extremely unwise to elevate one culture over another.

      Instead, we should all examine our own culture and seek God’s help in reforming our culture (much like William Wilberforce who reformed the British culture by fighting against slavery). This principle reminds of Jesus’ admonition in Matthew 7:1-5: “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”

      May God grant us all much grace and wisdom.

      • anonymous permalink
        April 6, 2012 3:37 am

        Really, my intent was to point out that “20 things Jesus never said” could include things like “how’s the weather” or “you’re fired” or “Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.”

        It’s obvious that the writer wanted us to assume the contradiction of each point as “something that Jesus did say,” but the truth is, it’s not. Sure, Jesus didn’t say “I’m not concerned about the very poor,” but he never said, **I’m** concerned about the very poor. If you look at what’s recorded, he basically said **you** should be concerned about the very poor (Mt 25:40, Mk 10:21, Lk 14:13) unless your concern prevents true worship (Mt 26.)

        If you want to justify a position that there wasn’t a recorded word from Jesus on, all you have to say is “Jesus never said ‘don’t smoke crack.'” Oh… so if he didn’t say anything against it, it must be okay.

        @Nathan, good point, and point taken. #6 was the hardest one to fire back at, because there’s not a good way to succinctly reflect the fact that although Jesus didn’t say “Two words: culture war,” he definitely was at war with the culture of the Pharisees.

      • RoseW permalink
        April 6, 2012 11:27 am

        Glad you picked this to write about. When it comes to being Gay, in some cultures it is the worst thing you can do and will send you to hell.
        I do wish Jesus would tap on the shoulder of these people and the Holy Spirit whisper this in their ears.
        It is no wonder how people can pick and choose what is ‘important;. Most of the time the things that are okay match what they allow themselves to do.

    • April 9, 2012 3:06 pm


      I don’t think Witness to Grace was using this post to say that HIS particular brand of Christianity is right and the other, more dominant modes of Christianity in the US are wrong. Rather, I think he’s trying to pull down many of the barriers and “litmus tests” that the Church has created over the years that promote its own preservation as a cultural institution rather than promote the kingdom of God. When Christianity becomes the dominant culture of empire, the foolishness of the cross is lost. I think Witness to Grace has observed — and I would agree — that, sadly, Christianity in the dominant American mode has…

      1.) become overly “ritualized” to the extent that we’ve lost the meaning of our symbols.
      2.) emphasized entertainment over worship.
      3.) become a self-help program for individuals’ own personal ambitions, projects, and causes.
      4.) been practiced most openly by an upper middle class that’s unaware of its privilege.
      5.) become synonymous with American exceptionalism.
      6.) become an ideological weapon to shame people with other worldviews.
      7.) been co-opted and commodified as a means for gaining political power.
      8.) developed an unwritten code of well-to-do-ness with regards to the physical appearance of its members.
      9.) become hesitant/unwilling to unmask the Market and Conspicuous Consumption as dominant American idolatries toward which we place our trust, time, and energy.
      10.) made the hallowed activities of worship one day each week into just another “thing” that we’re committed to — along with soccer practices and homework, for example.
      11.) ceased to truly believe the Kingdom we proclaim will ever come about, or that God is active in promoting it.
      12.) see number 1.
      13.) become more concerned with proclaiming the truth OF the Bible rather than the Truth IN the Bible.
      14.) see number 1.
      15.) see number 10. and number 1.
      16.) become primarily a means by which we seek to show that we are “in” and others are “out.”
      17.) see number 9 and number 2. (also, when’s the last time you went to a church featuring the organ that had both a gift shop AND an organist with his/her own record???)
      18.) portrayed homosexuality as the cardinal sin of our time.
      19.) see number 3.
      20.) see number 10. and number 1.

  5. Ansley permalink
    April 4, 2012 8:56 pm

    AMEN!!!! Love you Sus!!!! Ans

  6. kerigee permalink
    April 4, 2012 9:40 pm

    I like how the author of “20 more things Jesus never said” is anonymous! hahahaha!

  7. April 5, 2012 1:00 am

    I’m definitely going to reblog it too! This is fantastic. As for the snarky reply: it may be snarky on this blog, but if you were to say it aloud somewhere else, you might get a number of those who would agree with those statements and see them as truth- and that’s just sad. Anyway, I look forward to following this blog now. 🙂

  8. stilishbabe permalink
    April 5, 2012 12:46 pm

    that’s true!I’m not big on religious blogs but this is a nice post to be read and to remember ourselves what Jesus only wanted us to share love 🙂

    • Anonymous permalink
      April 7, 2012 6:12 pm

      This comment is exactly the problem. Jesus didn’t just ask us to share love. Jesus asked us to give up our lives, and share the gospel. While the gospel is rooted in the person of Christ, and He is love, man is not capable of sharing the love that Christ can offer. We are asked to share Jesus, Christ crucified, His sacrifice for our sins, the unmerited gift freely given through His grace. Accepting this grace makes the whole list moot, because we discover who God is and whose we are: bought and paid with a price. And our character becomes conformed to the character of God because we seek to be more like Him.

      When we offer human substitutes – the “Jesus didn’t say it so it must be okay” ideas, we offer a counterfeit grace, one that allows Christ-followship instead of Christ-fellowship. I would much rather share the gift of eternal life than the gift of feeling good about yourself before you die.

  9. April 5, 2012 7:33 pm

    Wow. This is so cool. And courageous. You got it going on, brother. Happy Easter

  10. April 7, 2012 10:40 pm

    Great post! Reblogged here:


  1. Happy Easter! - Blues for Levantium Lost » Blues for Levantium Lost
  2. 20 Things Jesus Never Said « The Red Clay Report
  3. 10 more things Jesus never said | Witness to Grace

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