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20 things that should never be heard at church

April 25, 2012


  1. If you had only prayed more, this would have never happened.
  2. We could start by cutting the mission budget.
  3. Let’s sing Sanctuary one more time!
  4. You’re going to hell.
  5. I love this place because they always tell me what to think.
  6. What a great show! Hey, did they get a permit for that lion?
  7. Hi, um, I know you’re visiting here, so you didn’t know. But, anyway, would you move? You’re in my regular pew.
  8. Pray out loud? Heavens, no. That’s what we pay the pastor to do.
  9. Sunday school is just for the kids.
  10. We never talk about anything controversial. That way, no one ever gets upset.
  11. Now they’ve done it. They’ve changed (fill in the blank). I am not setting foot inside that church again until they change it back!
  12. If we have the Lord’s Supper too often, it just won’t be special anymore.
  13. I cannot remember the last time we baptized anyone.
  14. If you died today, would you go to heaven?
  15. If we only had a different a. pastor b. music director c. youth director d. fill in the blank then things would be better.
  16. I’m just not getting spiritually fed here.
  17. Those questions are off-limits.
  18. No pressure pastor, but, you see, I have a roast in the oven that will be done precisely at noon.
  19. We only read from the King James Version — the same Bible Jesus carried.
  20.  Just three points, then I’m done.


2 Comments leave one →
  1. April 25, 2012 7:32 pm

    Love it! How about including the 7 last words of a dying church: “We’ve never done it that way before”?

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