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10 more things Jesus never said

March 16, 2013

Verily, verily, here are more things Jesus probably never said:

1. I don’t always read the Bible, but when I do, it’s the King James Version.
2. I just hope you all are being fed spiritually, because, you know, it *is* all about you.
3. My prayer is that the Presbyterians keep dividing into new denominations, particularly as they disagree with one another. By this the world may believe that you sent me.
4. Love one another. Unless it’s really hard.
5. Accept me as your personal savior and we’re good.
6. And he answered, “You shall love sound doctrine with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind.”
7. Whosoever is highly regarded in his church should cast the first stone — then everybody else should join in.
8. Sacrifice shmacrifice! Forget about it!
9. … And when the Father saw the younger son from a great distance, he ran to meet him and said, “Boy you’ve got some nerve showing your face around here!”
10. Fear not! But arm yourself to the teeth just in case.

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